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(This section is brought to you by Lefty's Bar and Hotel, the only place you can get killed by STD's, lose your cock to a biting madwoman, and be ignored by a pimp hot off on porn. Now back to our regularly scheduled game...)
'You walk to the window.'
*Open window
*Climb out window
'You climb out on to the fire escape, walking to the edge. Grabbing the ladder, you swing yourself down into the trash dumpster.'
"EWWW!!! Who is paying for my dry-cleaning bill?"
*Look in trash
"Do I look like some kind of cheap loser to you?"
'Don't answer that question Dazzler...'
*Look in trash
'You look around, finding a left handed hammer by your boot.'
*Get the hammer
'You pick up the hammer, putting it in your coat along with the rest of the junk you are now hauling around everywhere you go.'
'Sure you don't need a purse there?'
*Get Out
"Gladly..."
'You hop out of the dumpster, walking around to the front of the building.'
*Call cab
'Stepping up to the curb, you wave a hand, hailing a cab from the busy street. As it pulls up, you swear to hold your breath for as long as you are able so you won't have to deal with the poor condition that the vehicle is in.'
'Well, isn't this a case of beggars being choosers...'
*Get in
"Do I have to?" (This sound like someone familiar?)
'You climb in, realizing that it was just the outside that was horrible. Letting out your breath, you lean back in the seat as the cabby starts to drive, starting up the meter.'
"So, where you headed?"
*Store
"Corner store. Have to pick up some necessities."
"All right man, whatever you say."
'You drive in silence, looking out the windows at the endless amounts of buildings going by, considering you were only popping down to the corner store...' (So that's why those tabs get so high...I always wondered about that...)
"Alright mate, we're here."
'He pulls up to the curb, turning off the counter.'
"That'll be $10.00 please."
*Pay man
'You pay the driver. He smiles broadly.'
*Pay tip
'He looks at you wordlessly for a moment before shaking his head.'
"I'm sorry, I can't accept tips, but I'm grateful just the same. Hope I see you again soon. Don't get that much business out here in this part of town."
*Get out
'You climb out of the cab, and onto the corner in front of the store. A pay phone is off to the side, some writing on it.'
*Look at phone
'You giggle as you read the phone number.'
"555-6969? Sounds like my kind of number."
*Use phone
'Phone number?'
*555-6969
'You wait patiently for a few moments, letting it ring.'
"Hello, you have reached the National Hot Line Sex Survey. Please answer the following questions. There may be a wonderful prize waiting for you!"
'You think for a second, realizing that you, Dazzler Hayes, can not answer the questions truthfully because you are a sad sod virgin.'
"What the hell. They don't know my name anyway."
'You laugh, waiting for the questions to start.'
"What is the name of your favorite sex partner?" (Notice how they 'partner' through all of this. The 80s was an interesting decade...)
*Dazzler
"Guess I'm really hard off...Might as well say myself."
"What is the best part of your partner's anatomy?"
*Hands
"Oh yeah, got to love the hands..."
"What do the two of you like to do together?"
*Wank
'You almost wet yourself laughing.'
"Oh yeah, me and the boys, we just get together to have some fun a couple three times a night..."
"What is the best part of your body?"
*Mojo
"Hell, me and the Mojo got it going on!"
"And finally, name your partner's favorite object."
*Sunglasses
"Yup, like to play with the sunglasses any day."
"Thank you for participating in our Survey. Your prize is........"
'To bad for you, the line goes dead, whoever it was hung up on you. Guess they figured you for the weirdo that you are.'
'Hanging up the phone, you turn away, only to be scared shitless by some drunken homeless slob, wandering in your direction. To get away, you dart into the ally, suddenly remembering what happened to you the last time you ran into the ally.'
'You run back out of the ally, nearly being missed by the man with a large stick, ready to make you a grease smudge again.'
'Walking back towards the store, the pay phone starts ringing, drawing you near.'
*Answer phone
"H...Hello?"
"Hello Dazzler! This is Dazzler. Why don't you forget this silly game and come over to my place so we can wank? After all, your mojo has always turned me on! So bring along some sunglasses and come play with my hands! Bye now."
'You stare at the phone, raising an eyebrow. You don't know what has startled you more, the fact that someone was repeating your answers from the survey, or that it was a female voice acting like you. Whatever it was, you shudder, hanging up the phone.'
'You walk into the store, glancing around before heading to the magazine rack.'
*Get magazine
'You pick up the magazine, looking it over happily.'
*Read magazine
'This is one of those mags that has a bit of everything...What the stars are wearing, how big their breasts are, and how hard musicians rawk. What a great magazine!'
'You take it with you, walking to the wine case at the back of the store.'
*Get wine
'You sigh as you frown on the selection, grabbing the best they have, even still costing only a dollar.'
'You walk up to the man behind the counter, laying down the mag and the wine.'
*Get condom
'You look around the store again, making sure for your sake that no one else is there.'
"Hey, do you sell condoms?"
"Oh sure Meester...We got lubers!"
'He gives you a cheeky smile, almost a hint of evil there. Looks like you've stumbled onto his area of expertise.'
"Alright, you want that smooth or libbed?"
*Libbed
"Make it a libbed..."
"Colored or plain?"
*Colored
"Glow in the dark!"
"Lubed or rough-cut?"
*Lubed
"Better go with lubed..."
"Striped or plaid?"
*Striped
"Ahhh, striped?"
"Peppermint or spearmint flavored?"
*Spearmint
"Why do you ask so many damn questions??? Guess I'll take spearmint..."
'The guy grins again, the intent clear now.'
"HEY, EVERYBODY! This weird-o just asked for a spearmint flavored, striped, lubed, colored, libbed luber!"
'Suddenly, faces pop out from behind almost every aisle, stunned expressions.'
"WHAT A PERVERT!!!"
'You blush, wanting to hide from the world.'
"Okayee Meester, that will be $8.00 total."
'You glare at him, digging the money from your wallet and slamming it on the counter.'
"Thanks a lot..."
'You walk towards the door, his voice catching you before you leave.'
"Hey Meester...Have fun with your spearmint flavored, striped, lubed, colored, libbed luber!"
'You sigh as you walk out the door.'
'Again, the hobo walks towards you, though this time you decide to just stand your ground.'
"Hey pally, you wouldn't have any spare change would you?"
*Give man change
'You decide to be nice for once, digging out your wallet and handing over your change from the store.'
"Ummm, you wouldn't happen to have some wine that I could have too?"
*Give man wine
'You glance skyward, mumbling something about karma...'
"Alright, yeah, here ya go..."
'The man's eyes brighten up as he quickly grabs something from his pocket.'
"I've never had anyone care...Here, take this pocket knife. I've never had to use it, but maybe you will some day."
'You take the knife, putting it in your pocket. When you reach inside, you feel a card that must have slipped from inside your wallet. Pulling it out, you read the number.'
"209-683-6858? What the hell is this?"
'You walk to the pay phone again.'
*Use phone
'Phone number?'
*209-683-6858
'Again, you wait patiently as the rings go by.'
"Hello, you have reached Sierva Gaming Industries. We are sorry that we can't be here to answer the phone, but we don't make enough money to hire anyone for the job. Not that anyone really plays our games anyway...Since you found this number, I suppose that you are indeed playing one of our games, and I have some good news for you, though if you've made it this far in the game, you probably won't need it anyway. Game creator Zobmar Flow has written a tip and hint book about Leisure Suit Dazzler entitled Leisure Suit Dazzler in The Land of Lounge Lizards. This book was never meant to be a must have to play this game, though we all think he was just trying to get money to hire someone to answer the damn telephone. We are just lowly artist in the world of........." (Something similar to this happens in the actual game. They give you all the information to order the hint book, just incase your score sucks, and they prove that you are a loser. Talk about being shameless...;))
'You hang up again, tired of listening to a machine yak at you.'
"Who ever made a machine that could say so much? And who the hell would try to sell a book about a game in the game that it's about? Wow, I just confused myself. Ouch, headache!"
*F5
'Save game as?'
*Dazzler
'Game saved'
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