**
Alright, alright...Time for part 3 of our little game. I hope you enjoy it, as, well, I have to deal with the sometimes-funny-but-not-ever-terribly-so comedian who refuses to shut up. Yeah, you'll get to hear some of his humor in this bit, along with some gambling, and whatever else I decide to throw in. Can you blame me? Anyway, on with the story.**
*Leisure Suit Dazzler in The Land of Lounge Lizards*
Part 3
(This bit sponsored by Chico's Casino, the only place where you can get some dough and bed a hoe all in one shot...Now back to our regularly scheduled game...)
*Call cab
'Stepping up to the curb, you wave a hand, hailing a cab from the busy street. As it pulls up, you swear to hold your breath for as long as you are able so you won't have to deal with the poor condition that the vehicle is in.'
'Here we go again...'
*Get in
"Do I have to?"
'You climb in, realizing that it was just the outside that was horrible. Letting out your breath, you lean back in the seat as the cabby starts to drive, starting up the meter.'
"So, where you headed?"
*Casino
"Going to the casino to see if I can win back any of the money I continually blow having you drive me around."
"Well, you could walk everywhere..."
"No I can't. There's some rabid fat man with a stick hiding behind dumpsters in all the alleys I walk by. He's out to kill me, I swear to God."
"Tough luck man. Guess you're stuck with me then."
'He snickers at you as you look out the window. To your surprise, he doesn't drive you in circles all around town this time, just takes you up to the front doors of the casino.'
"Alright, $9.00 please."
*Pay man
"Thank you, hope to do business with you again!"
"Sure you do, you cheeky little sod..."
*Get out
'You step out on the curb, sliding on your sunglasses to protect you from the harmful rays radiating off of the million watt voltage sign. As you approach the front doors, a man in a barrel walks up to you, carefully pulling on your sleeve.'
"Ey mister, want to buy an apple? It'll only set you back a buck..."
*Look in barrel
"Man, you really don't have anything..."
"Well that's your opinion, not mine."
*Ask first name
"What's your name, mate?"
"Troy. No one has ever asked me that before."
*Ask last name
"Last name there, Troy?"
"Nope, sorry, it's been so long that I've forgotten. Horrible of me, I know, but it doesn't matter when you don't have anything. So, gonna buy that apple?"
*Buy apple
'You hand over the dollar as Troy hands you the apple. Not wanting to know where he was hiding it, you shove it into your coat pocket before wandering inside the casino. Looking around, you notice that there are only two types of games, slots or blackjack. Deciding against losing what is left of your cash on some tripped out slot machine, you take a seat at the only open blackjack table. The female dealer smiles and winks at you.'
"Ready to put your money down?"
'You laugh lightly.'
"Oh, and so much more..."
"Alright, lets see what you've got."
(Got to love this bit. Yes, you play blackjack, though I would recommend saving whenever you win a hand, then restoring whenever you lose. You have to break the bank, and it goes a lot faster when you do it that way. Also, bump up the bet to $20 when/if you have that much. Again, just goes to save some time.)
'After many hours of betting and 'hitting', you finally break the bank at $250.'
"Hey, what kind of Casino is this?"
"Ask the guy who made the game. I'm not the one who set it."
*Get up
'You grumble loudly as you walk away, going deeper into the casino. You look up ahead of you, admiring the glass elevator until you run into an ashtray.'
"Stupid...stinking....grrr...."
'While bending down to comfort your offended leg, you spot a card laying on the ground.'
*Get card
"Hey, check that! This just might come in handy..."
'You place it in your wallet with the rest of your junk as you walk to the back of the room, following the sign that reads 'Cabaret'. You enter the room, finding it interesting for the first thirty seconds that the dancing girls only go back and forth on the stage. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth....After gaining a rather large headache, you stumble back out the door until you hear the music end. Entering again, you see a comedian ready to begin his act. You walk up to the first table you see.'
*Sit
"Sorry, this table is reserved."
'You move to the back table.'
*Sit
'You take a seat, groaning as the whoopee cushion goes off under you.'
"Well, at least one of his jokes doesn't stink..."
'You turn to face the stage, ready for the worst.'
"Hey, welcome to the show. You know, my wife is a lot like Haley's Comet...They both come once every 76 years!"
'You sigh deeply.'
"I should have never given up my day gig!"
"Got that right brother! Hahaha."
'The comedian glares at you for a moment before going back to his jokes.'
"Our local inventor just came up with a new vibrating tampon...He says if women have to be miserable once a month, the might a well enjoy it."
'The drummer does his roll, very little emotion on his face.'
"You know folks, it just don't get much better than this...Anyway... I told my doctor my sex life was boring. He said 'You need to add the element of surprise. Go right home this afternoon, grab your wife, and immediately make love to her, no matter what she's doing.' So I did...It was still the same old stuff, but her bridge club got a tremendous kick out of it!"
'You snicker a bit at that one, but secretly wish that you even had someone to add the element of surprise to...'
"Did you know that down the block, there's a new live gay sex show...It's called Anus and Andy..."
"Boo, that was bad taste!"
"Hey! This is 'A' class stuff!"
*Stand up
"I'm gone. You aren't all that funny..."
"Hey, one more.... The shop teacher asked the High School girl if she knew the difference between a screw, a nail, and a bolt...She told him she'd never been bolted before..."
"You're so funny, I just forgot how to laugh. Get a new act, loser!"
"Yeah, well word of advice. I hear the Pimp at Lefty's won't let his girls perform oral sex. They call him the 'Headless Whoresman'!"
"That's not advice, you pervert...I'm not even going to ask how you know that..."
'You walk out of the Casino, rummaging through your pocket, grabbing something that you had nearly forgotten about.'
*Call cab
"Hey Taxi!"
'Stepping up to the curb, you wave a hand, hailing a cab from the busy street. As it pulls up, you swear to hold your breath for as long as you are able so you won't have to deal with the poor condition that the vehicle is in.'
"How many times do I have to suffer through this for you people???"
"Who the hell are you talking to?"
"The loser playing this game, who do you think?"
"Alright, yeah, loser playing game...Whatever..."
"Oh, shut up and drive."
"Where we headed now?"
"Back to the bar...I've got something to take care of."
"Alright man."
'He drops you off at the bar, only taking a small chunk of your funds in the process.'
*Open door
'You walk through the door, heading straight for the leather clad blockade.'
*Knock
"Whatz the password? And hurry up, it's just getting to the good bits..."
"Dan sent me..."
"Well, good for him. Now, leave me alone."
'The Pimp goes back to his porn, leaving you to freely run up the stairs and to the bed again.'
*Take off clothes
'You almost tear off your clothes, eager to get down and dirty.'
*Put on condom
"Perfect timing...The Surgeon General would be so proud...'
*Screw whore
'You pounce on the slut, being conveniently covered up by our wonderful Censored sign. It's big and black with white writing that says 'Censored'. Cool huh?'
'Although successful, you feel less than satisfied. Technically speaking, you're no longer a virgin, but for some reason, the thrill just wasn't there. You vow to continue your quest until you please your heart, not just your other organs.'
*Take off condom
'You dispose of the condom as you get dressed, watching the whore take a drag on a rather expensive joint.'
*Climb out
'You scramble back out of the window, taking another head dive into the dumpster.'
"God, I'll be glad when I don't have to do this any more..."
'You move back out to the front of the bar, dusting yourself off.'
*Call cab
"God, here we go again. Hey Taxi!"
'Stepping up to the curb, you wave a hand, hailing a cab from the busy street. As it pulls up, you swear to hold your breath for as long as you are able so you won't have to deal with the poor condition that the vehicle is in.'
"Hey, how many times are you going to say that?"
'As many times as you call out for that Taxi. Besides, saves me from having to think too hard. Don't fight with the narrator...I'll make it so you won't have to worry about finishing this game...And for my sake, do something about that breath of yours!'
*Use spray
'You freshen up your breath as you slip into the cab, the driver grinning from ear to ear.'
"And where is the destination now?"
"To the disco!"
'Pulling up to the disco, the driver turns and flashes you that typical 'guess how much you owe me this time' smile.'
"$9.00 this time around..."
*Pay
"I hate you...Like seriously loathe you with all of my soul. You are a horrible driver..."
*Get out
'You walk up to the door, only to be stopped by a brute of a guard.'
"Halt! This is for private members only!"
*Show card
'You flash out your 'borrowed' card.'
"Sorry that I didn't recognize you earlier. Go ahead."
'He moves aside, giving you access to the stairway inside...'
To be continued....
