LSD1

'Welcome to the newest release from Sierva (Can't use the actual company name, now could I?), Leisure Suit Dazzler in The Land of Lounge Lizards. This game contains language and situations that some people will find offensive. Because of this, we have a short quiz to give you before you play to make sure you are mature enough. To start, how old are you?'

*21

'Oh, 21 huh? We'll see about that...Alright, question one:
"Let It Be" was recorded by:
a. The Rolling Stones
b. the Monkees
c. Credence Clearwater
d. The Beatles'

*d

'Lucky guess...Question two:
Is this software pirated?
a. yes
b. I'm not telling...
c. No (How could you think such a thing!)
d. No, it's just borrowed.'

*c

'I'm having a hard time actually believing that, but alright. Question three:
A 'Working Girl' refers to:
a. a secretary
b. a lady of negotiable virtue
c. an industrious woman
d. an employed female'

*d

'You are wrong! You can't possible be 21! Okay, okay, since we're nice, we'll give you one more shot...Question four:
All Politicians are:
a. hardworking
b. honest
c. ethical
d. on the Public Payroll'

*d

'Right-o on that one. If a politician would have made this game, poor Dazzler wouldn't get anywhere. Alright, you've done alright so far, now for the last question:
The World is:
a. Flat
b. Spherical
c. A big place
d. Near Fresno'

*b

'Good job, not only does this prove that you went to the first day of Freshman Geography, it proves that you can make it into any bar on the planet. Guess it's time to get on with the game...'

'You are Dazzler Hayes...A man that, at the still tender age of 25, is still single, and still a virgin, however, has finally moved out of his parent's house. Your goal? After that last sentence, I shouldn't have to tell you. The few things you own are in the pockets of your only pure polyester leisure suit that has become your trademark. You have your wallet, about $80, and a can of breath freshener. Trust me, you're going to need it.'

'The scene opens in front of Lefty's Bar and Hotel, a very run down two-story building. On a whim, you decide to take a walk left, entering a dark ally. Before you can react, a large man jumps you from behind a dumpster, beating you until dead.'

'Good job moron...Ever get the feeling there is a reason why you are inside playing a game about a man who needs to get laid??? Restart or quit?'

*Restart

'The scene open's in front of Lefty's Bar and Hotel, a very run down two-story building. You walk forward, stopping in front of the doors.'

*Open door

"Okay."

'Walking inside, you notice numerous things around the room. Along the left wall stands a jukebox, above it a antique moose head (I wanna know who came up with that...It also says it was left over from a previous game, but geesh...). Two doorways lead out of the room, one to the back, and one to the right. The one on the right is locked from the inside, and the door has a leather covering on it. There are five seats at the bar, four of which are already taken up be customers. You immediately advance on the one female in the room, trying to pass a move.'

*Talk to lady

"I'm Dazzler, Dazzler Hayes. Could I buy you a drink?"

"Get lost. I don't get drinks from losers..."

'So, she's played you right on the first guess. You sulk as she leans closer to the man sitting next to her.'

*Sit

'You sit in the seat to the right of them, not gaining any attention from the two men on the other side of you. However, as you sit thinking about what to drink, the man the lady was laying over keeps chattering mindlessly at you, becoming more annoying. Looking at Lefty, you place your order.'

*Order wine

"Get me a glass of your finest Chardonnay."

"That will be $5.00."

'You slide the money across the counter, taking a sip of your wine.'

"Ahh, wonderful full bodied..."

'Was that just your voice? Anyway, the wine starts to make you feel woozy, and you swear that Lefty has just licked his lips in a very suggestive way. You shake it off, deciding to order something else.'

*Order whiskey

"Lefty, a glass of whiskey!"

"That's another $5.00."

'You put down your money again, becoming deeply enthralled with staring at the whiskey, not drinking it. You pick it up, deciding to carry it around with you for a while.'

*Stand

'You stand up, stopping at the jukebox on your way to the back room.'

*Play song

'The music starts up. Not exactly what you would call good, but not terribly bad either. You walk to the back doorway, passing quickly through. You enter a small storage room with a small table to the left, a brick wall at the back, a door and a drunk to your right. Walking towards the table, you spot a rose.'

*Get rose

'You pick it up, slipping it into your suit with the rest of your belongings. Turning, you walk towards the drunk. The only way to get within talking range is to walk between his legs.'

"Oi! Those pointy boots hurt! Hey sonny, how bout you take me up for a drink?"

*Give whiskey to drunk

"Oh thank you sssso much. Nobody's every been niccce to me before. Here...have my only posssssession. What do I need a remote fur anyway?"

'He hands you the remote before passing out again. You walk around his legs, stopping in front of the door.'

*Open door

"Okay"

'You find yourself in a bathroom, with the sudden urge to relieve yourself.'

*Sit

'Pulling a newspaper off the seat, you sit and do your duty. You feel a great relief. What is that aroma???'

*F5

'Save game as?'

*Dazzler

'Game saved'

*Stand

'You stand up, carefully cleaning yourself up before flushing. There is a deep rumbling noise, and you turn, jiggling the handle, but the water doesn't stop. Soon it flows over the floor, growing deeper and deeper.'

"Ahh damn, not the way I wanted to go today!"

'Not having fun now, are we Dazzler? You kick and fight against the raising water, but it is no use. The nasty toilet water invades your lungs.'

'Dead by toilet water...Disgusting. Restore, restart, or quit?'

*Restore

'Pulling a newspaper off the seat, you sit and do your duty. You feel a great relief. What is that aroma???'

*Stand

'You stand up, carefully cleaning yourself up before folding up the newspaper for the next user.'

*Look at graffiti

'You look at the walls of the stall, reading some of the graffiti. "You need leather balls to play rugby..." You laugh at that one.'

*Look at graffiti

'You look again, this time finding one of interest. "The Code in is: Dan Sent Me."(Names have been changed to make you actually have to play the game...) Placing this in your memory, you walk out of the stall and to the sink.'

*Look at sink

'You find a diamond ring in the bottom of the sink. Some lady must have left it.'

*Get ring

'You think about the idea of returning the ring before realizing again that you are Dazzler Hayes. Slipping it into your jacket, you make your way back to the door.'

*Open door

"Okay"

'You walk back into the storage room, the drunk waving his hand in front of his face.'

"God, somethin' die in there???"

"Must be my bad breath. Tastes like an old dumpster..."

"Well then...do sssomethin' bout it."

*Use spray

'You whip the small can from your pocket, spritsing it a few times. Ohhhh, all nice and minty fresh now?'

'You walk back into the main room of the bar, looking at a large painting of a naked woman adorning one wall.'

*Look at painting

"Well, I don't know much about art, but I know what I like!"

'Walking to the door at the right, you stop, looking at it questioningly.'

*Knock

'You knock on the door, having to do it quite hard because of the leather covering. A window slides open, a set of eyes leering at you.'

"Whatz da password?"

"Dan sent me?"

'He laughs deeply, letting you in. He moves from the door and to the stairs, blocking the way so you can't pass. Thinking quickly, you grab your remote from your jacket.'

*Turn on TV

'You turn it on, trying to find anything to catch the pimp's attention.'

"Today, we discover wonderful ways of cooking nuts..."

'Another boring cooking show. The pimp looks over for a moment, but isn't interested.'

*Change Channel

"Watch closely as these two squid get ready to mate..."

'Another boring animal show. The pimp looks over for a moment, but isn't interested.'

*Change Channel

"Oh Marsha...Oh Steve...Oh Marsha...Oh Steve..."

'Another boring soap opera. The pimp looks over for a moment, but isn't interested.'

*Change Channel

"Another day in the neighborhood..."

"Oh God, anything but that...."

'The pimp looks over for a moment, but isn't interested.'

*Change channel

"Oh my GOD! Just like that....No...HARDER!!..."

'Finally finding something that the pimp enjoys, he wanders over, pushing you out of the way.'

"Hey loser, you've got toilet paper on your shoe!"

'He laughs as you scrap it off, turning back to his porn, forgetting you completely.'

*F5

'Save game as?'

*Dazzler

'Game saved'

'You walk up the steps, finding yourself in a small apartment. There is a woman lying on the bed, looking at you seductively. You wink at her, looking around the rest of the room. You walk to a far table, a box of candy resting on the top.'

*Get candy

"Okay."

'Turning around, you go over to the front of the bed.'

*F5

'Save game as?'

*Dazzler

'Game saved'

*Take off clothes

'You strip off your suit, smiling at the woman. She pats the bed, and you about wet yourself.'

*Get on bed

'You crawl on the bed, fully prepared for what is to happen.'

*Screw whore

'Well aren't we short for words...I'm sure you can figure out for yourself what's going on...Like our little bouncing 'Censored' sign???'

'You finish with the whore, getting dressed again as she lights up, taking a drag. Though you are glad you are no longer a virgin, you feel like there is something missing. You swear to continue your journey to find the perfect person who you know is waiting for you out there somewhere. You walk to the window.'

*Open window

*Climb out window

'You climb out on to the fire escape, walking to the edge. Grabbing the ladder, you swing yourself down into the trash dumpster.'

"EWWW!!! Who is paying for my dry-cleaning bill?"

*Get Out

"Gladly..."

'You hop out of the dumpster, feeling a sudden burn in your crotch.'

"What the...???"

'Walking a bit further, it gets worse, making it hard to walk.'

'Oh Dazzler, looks like that whore gave you more than you bargained for.'

'Well, that's the truth about sex in the real world...Sad isn't it? Restore, restart, or quit?'

*Restore