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He shuffled his feet restlessly on the wooden deck, fighting against ever emotion held within his being. A battle raged between his heart and his mind, one for love, and one for logic, pulling endlessly at him. He had cancelled a show to come here, to make a decision that had to be settled. He clutched a CD and an envelope tightly in his hands, glancing from them to the stark white door before him. One knock and he could leave, wouldnt have to say a word, wouldnt even have to look into those emerald eyes that held his heart in a warm memory Wouldnt have to let him see the tears welling at the mere thought of having contact with an untouchable figure in his eyes.
The two last steps brought more pain to his anguished heart than all the sleepless nights spent shedding tears into his pillow, no comfort in a cold world. Kneeling down, he placed his small treasures on the doormat, sighing one last sorrowful time before wiping his eyes. Standing once more, he straightened his jacket, running a quick hand through his hair. Would he ever understand why things had gone the way they had? Only God knew the answer to that question.
Three knocks, and he turned his back and began to walk away from the only warmth and memories he cared to keep. Down the steps, everyone like a fading heartbeat to a life being left behind. His boots were on the sidewalk before he heard the door open behind him. He could imagine the form standing there, a dream that could never have been held forever.
"Hello?"
He wanted to turn around, God how he wanted it, to see him one last time before whatever happened transpired.
"Darren? Is that you?"
His breath caught in his throat as the ache swelled again. One last time, just one last time He turned slowly, lifting his head to gaze at the man centered in the doorway. His tan had faded, the once proud independent looked tied and pained. One question drifted off his lips before he forced his feet to carry him away.
"Are you where you wanted to be?"
He sighed, dragging himself away before mare damage could be done. He wasnt being fair to either by staying, not now at least. Ignoring his hearts battle cry, he walked until he was out of site, where no one knew him. Sitting on the curb, he let the tears fall, let them run down his face in growing streams as the pain finally cut through him.
**
He took a wavering step out of the door, watching the mere shadow of a man walk away, his whisper still caught in the still air. Are you where you wanted to be? His heart pounded like a dead weight in his chest, feeling like part of his soul was breaking away from him.
Dropping his head into his hands, his gaze fell to the floor, to what had been left behind. The CD was the color of the eyes that invaded his dreams, eyes that had taught him to feel, eyes that broke his heart with their sorrowThe color that had gazed back at him moments before with its own broken emotion shallowly hidden. The envelope was scrawled in his loopy writing, the artist in every way.
"Listen first, then read... "
Shutting the door, he wandered absently through the empty house to the stereo kept in the den. Sliding the disk in, he sat back in a chair, listening intently as the music began. An almost harsh drum meat made him first think that it was another one of the vocal rants against him in anger, until a solitary piano strain cut through, one key at a time
Hey there stranger
Do you remember
You were a part of my life
Early December, think I remember
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Lifes rearranging
Full of could have dones
Could have beens
Its all your fault and Where ya been?
And how time goes
Now I dont even know
How to fill in the spaces
With love you erased in my life
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did it make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should have turned right?
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you sell off all your Gold?
Did you trade it in?
Do you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
Its barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now Im ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now its vaguely familiar
I think I remember
Sharing every single intimacy
It doesnt seem so strange to me
That weve barely learned to take
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conger you up in my mind
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did it make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should have turned right?
Are you where you wanted to be?
Did you sell off all your Gold?
Did you trade it in?
Do you wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
While I was busy perfecting
The art of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
Now I let a rip run right through my heart
Of battle stations were building
You and I just grew apart
We grow apart
While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside my foolish pride
I guess I denied my own desire
Ive been too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything or ask why
Am I
Am I where I wanted to be?
Did I get there easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should have turned right?
Am I where I wanted to be?
Can I sell off all my Gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for love
Or settle for somebody to hold?
Id settle for somebody to hold now
You know Ive been looking up and down
Been picked up and spun around
Id do it all again
Just to have somebody to hold me now
He sat motionless as the music faded, the voice fading but somehow leaving the vision imprinted in his brain. Every thought that tried to break through was shattered by a rage of raw emotion. The way he had first heard those words echoed in his ears, throbbing against what was left of his soul. The name sat on the tip of his tongue, begging to be muttered once more on sensitive tones.
Am I where I wanted to be?
He said it again before regarding the envelope mutely. After the words cried so pleadingly in the song, he wondered absently what else could be said on paper, what could hurt him more. Pulling the paper from inside, he couldnt help but catch a small trace of cologne held within the folds. It took him back to a shattered memory.
His life-long love had worn that scent the day his tender heart had too been shattered. He had tried to lie to himself, make himself believe that he instead loved a woman, that he could never, should never, love another man. Yes, he had lied to himself, and lost everything because of it. Damnable foolish pride
" When you said you loved me, did you ever really mean it, Jonesy? Or was the entire thing as full of bullshit as your life is now? I know what your answer was to the song... Neither am I. I wanted to die that day, could you even imagine what you put me through that day? " Im sorry Darren, but I just cant do this, the band, us, anymore. I love her, I know I do... Besides, what would happen to our careers if everyone found out we were gay? " Can you blame me for writing what I did? I wanted you to feel it, wanted it to burn through you... Guess I could never really make you open your eyes.
Ive been sitting on this song for two months, trying to decide if I really wanted to try to break your happy relationship or not. Imagine my surprise when it broke itself. What did you say, Daniel? Was it intentional, or did she hear you talking in your sleep? Whatever the case, I thought that now was the time to move, time to reappear in your little world.
I would be kidding myself if I said that I didnt care, didnt love you anymore. You slammed a door in my face... But you know what? I forgive you for it, for all of it. Never let the sun set on an argument, remember?
So where do we go from here Daniel? Do you walk away, choked in your silence... Or do we try again? Have we learned anything in reality? Are we stumbling in the darkness that we created, designated in our minds? Do we ache the same pain at night in our dreams?
What Im trying to say is this... I know I did some things wrong, and I know that I'm harder than hell to deal with sometimes... But Dan, I've kept waiting for love to come back to me again, and I've come to realize that just maybe, you're the only one who ever brought it to me. You settled for somebody to hold, but you lost it for unknown reasons to me. I'm asking you now, as one time friends, lovers, could we work together to get where we want to be?
I'm sorry if I've crossed the line, and I know I've probably said too much already... But if you want to trade it in for something better, a life that you know will be better... You know where I will be. -Dazza
He looked longingly at the signature, knowing that the pet name had a meaning, had a voice all its own, and it spoke to him. Through the darkness, the pain and tears, something had remained glowing bright, even if he couldnt see it until that moment, the moment he realized there was love. His life folded out in front of him, a trail as far as his minds eye could see, and it only lead straight to one place.
He smiled gently as he refolded the letter, putting it back in the envelope and setting it on his desk. One place left to go... He walked back through the house, stopping to pull on a jacket before slowly opening the door. He was finally learning a lesson, a lesson in love, and he was ready for it, and whatever it brought with it.
Stepping down to the sidewalk, he took his first steps to freedom, to a new life, one that he could enjoy. He wandered through the streets, some familiar and some not. He stopped at the edge of the park grass, looking into the shadows cast by the shade trees around him, looking for only one thing. The blond haired figure that stood waiting was all he needed for reassurance, and he strolled head-long into his future.
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