2:07a - Finally...  
I was finally able to get out of this house for at least a little while this morning, and it was nice. Sandra Bullock and I decided to run out for a nice cup of coffee, and of course the typical 'window' shopping. I found some interesting stuff that will be coming out on tour with me, along with some stuff that I probably didn't really need, but I got it anyway because I could. Why not? I'm a rockstar, dammit...

I'm going to have to tell the GC boys that MADE is some cool shit, though I won't be wearing it for the shows or anything. Sometimes I wish I could find as much band merch of myself as I find for bands like Linkin Park and Good Charlotte. Man, I even found a GC car freshener, and I can't decide if that's cool, or if it's just totally fucked up.

I did get myself totally lost in the music shops. You'd think that I would know better by now, but of course I don't. Blew another small fortune on CD's to keep me entertained during the tour, and I hope they do their job. Maybe 'tour' is the wrong word. It's just a set of shows, nothing like the big summer tours heading out.

Anyway, I'm sure Sandra will have more to say when she updates, but I am currently out of my mind and in need of sleep. I was trying to be artistic, but only managed to get high off the marker fumes. Rule to remember for the night: DDYD, Don't Down Yourself, Dammit! Don't know if I'll ever stick to it, but it's worth a shot.

PS: Veggie Tales is the most demented show I have ever fucking seen! Cute for the kids, but it doesn't belong anywhere near my mind unless something bad is going to happen...

current mood: tired
current music: The Best Is Yet To Come

 

 

2:49a - Well, I said I'd update  
I feel like shit. I am also dictating this, cuz I feel like shit. I't almost 3:am, and I feel like shit. Today is the 16th, which means three more days untill I go away. I still feel like shit. I'm not allowed to drink till next week, which makes me feel more like shit. It feel like my neck brace has expaneded and I can't breathe, which makes me feel like shit. Chester Bennington, I'm sorry I feel like shit. I'll get the key to you either tomorrow or when I feel less like shit.

Did I mention I feel like shit????

current mood: lethargic
current music: I Feel Like Shit-My New Song I'm Writing!

 

 

6:16p - *Sigh*  
I'm almost convinced that I have the stomach flu which isn't fucking cool. I leave tomorrow on a flight for Rhode Island to get ready for the show Thursday night. I guess I'll have to pull out the laptop and annoy people with it. Chester Bennington, I'm dropping the key by tonight, no matter what the hell is going on. If you aren't around, I'll leave it somewhere you can find it.

Not too much going on today, just because it is one of those fucking days. Uhh, Happy Birthday to DazWolf just because my list was blasted with it this morning. It's cool though, I heard that the genius was drawing me on denim in Sharpie markers. How talented is that?

Anyway, enough with my fucking rambling...

current mood: amused
current music: Goodbye - SR-71

 

 

10:41p - *Falls Asleep*  
You have reached Mitch Allan's voice mail. Mitch is currently crashed out after one hell of a killer show, but he should be back sometime soon to actually update somewhat decently. He has another show on the 20th, so he'll probably get his lazy ass off the bunk then to write. He hopes that you all have a great night, and a wonderful tomorrow...*sounds of thrashing around and breaking plastic in the background* Stupid fucking scripts. Whoever wrote that should be shot. Anyway, come to the show, help us with the party! *mumbling and cursing at other members of the road crew*....

current mood: bouncy
current music: Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

 

 

2:55a - Hmmm...  
I've come to the conclusion that the one 'civie' that I watch most of the time is most likely going out of their mind right now. I'm posting the drawing because it has *my* lyrics on it, and because I'm totally bored...

 

current mood: amused
current music: Empty Spaces

 

 

4:41p - Why do I even try?  
I've fucking lost the point again...I can't go home, they won't let me, and the band has decided that they're going to try to make me feel better. I can just see where this is going. The shows went alright, played some new songs and got great responce. I do have to remember that these are our fans though, and not the general public who doesn't give a shit what we do anymore.

I've stooped low enough to even listed to my own CD just to drown them out for a while. John says he's managed to get us hotel rooms for the next week, but I keep telling him not to expect shit out of me until the next show. He doesn't fucking understand, no one does. They don't understand why I haven't readily ran out and grabbed a handful of groupies to screw, they don't understand why I sit huddled in my bunk alone while they are all out having fun...

I'm thinking that no one will ever understand, that I'm not supposed to be, that I'm just always supposed to be this way. Totally alone, that's what it is. I have to give my heart and soul to even have friends, most of which don't even talk to me. Heaven forbid I ever want anything more than that anymore. I'd probably be burned at the stake for even the thought of such things. Feels fucking great, doesn't it?

current mood: cold
current music: My World

 

8:44p - *The snow is more lonely then cold...*  
I've probably only made myself more sick, but I had to do it just for my own good. I've been listening to the thunder all night, watched the storm creeping over us. I finally told them to stop the bus, but we were only five minutes off from the hotel. I've spent the last hour sitting out in the rain, just me, my thoughts, and my ratted out clothes. You never know how many things you can come out with to yourself when you're all alone in the middle of a parking lot, sopping wet with rain.

I could see the lightening off in the distance, threads of light across the complete black. Then the thunder would come, a rumbling that I could feel all the way in my soul, crying out the way I always wanted to. You know how rain smells when it's hanging in the air? That's what I could smell all around me, and maybe that was what started to bring it out. Yeah, I know why I'm fucked up.

I didn't think it was possible for someone to feel so totally alone. People all around me, and I feel like I'm in an empty room. I talk to the storm because I feel like a fool talking to people who have other things to worry about. I don't know me anymore... I've always said that no one will ever understand...it's because they all at least think they have someone beside them, nudging them along.

I'm locked up in a hotel room with a little balcony off the window. I'm not supposed to go out until I get better, and I think at one time I would have agreed with the band about my health. Now I'm wondering if it's actually me being sick, or if it's me trying to tell myself that something's wrong. This is one of those nights where I would die for someone to be with, not in a sexual sense, but just to be held and understood for once. Hell, even a hug would help at this point...

Robert Bourden, you make more sense then you know. I hope that things start looking up for you soon. It's almost like we're coming from the complete opposites of the scale, but somewhere in the mush there's a connection. Maybe I sound like him because there's a connection there too. He gave up what he had, but we're both looking for that endless solution.

Johanna Asplund, thanks for talking me out when no one else would. I'm starting to think that I am turning into a giant soap opera all on my own. It's just one thing after another right now, and I hope that I haven't totally screwed everything over...

And to Nate Barcalow, yes life is a fat bitch who hasn't learned to sing worth shit. Maybe someday we'll all know better then to depend on things that we think will happen.

I'm stuck in Allentown, PA if anyone is around at all. Pray that I don't lose my fucking mind...

current mood: depressed
current music: I Don't Know You Anymore - Savage Garden

 

11:23p - Not going to edit...  
I don't care if I have posted too many times today, really. However, I think this is important enough to be posted on it's own anyway. Prayers are going out to Tony Lovato in hopes that he makes a speedy recovery from his back problems. I'm sure everything is being done that can be, but it never hurt to have a few more prayers.

current mood: blank
current music: Fast Car