Funny how the time seems to get away from all of us, from what we do. Maybe it's the lack of time that makes everything so lackluster anymore, like all I can see is by candlelight. I live in a world where now there is only one person watching me, and he always stands at the edge of the light, almost taunting me. I haven't moved in days, scared to even breathe because I may trigger what is lurking in the shadows. I wonder if you even know...
You took the heat for what you did, didn't you? Throwing your own brother into this darkness that never ends. At least the candle will never burn out, gives me a small amount of peace. I can't ever really imagine that you were that jealous, jealous of me anyway. No, you were jealous of the fluff that was always hanging off my arm, weren't you? That's what I do know...I can still hear what's going on, even if I can't see it. You killed her, and you nearly took me along.
Do you know what it feels like when the shadows growl at you? When it feels like everything is closing in on you and you have no way of fighting, no way of keeping them all away? Do you know what it's like to never sleep because the eyes are always watching, waiting for the moment you make a mistake? I hope you feel its breath on your neck in your dreams like I feel it every waking moment.
No, I suppose I don't really hate you, I never really did. You should have known what was going on, you should have realized, but oh no. Were you supposed to be my bloody valentine? Was I supposed to be happy? Was I supposed to just come running back to you? Damn you and your ways. I probably would have come crawling back, back to everything I knew I would always have...But I don't even have that, do I? I have the dark, a candle, and something snarling at me. Yeah, sounds really pleasant, doesn't it?
I always thought my big brother was going to save me from things, just because you were always the daring one. Hell, you knew that I could never be bold enough to make the first move, but you sure did. I won't forget the time you kissed me in front of *her.* We were all a little shocked, more her then us though. I think we had it coming with the way we were brought up, but you know that the outside world would have never excepted that. They'd tell us that it was sick and wrong, that we would fry in hell. Seems to me that I'm not all that far off anymore.
I never did thank you for that night, but my mouth always did work well without my brain, didn't it? Maybe I had all of this coming to me when those words rolled so slick and sweet off my tongue. `I'll love you forever Benji...I'll never touch her again...You're the only one...' Yeah, one hell of a smooth Casanova...Should have bashed my head in before I started any of this shit. I know the band's dead, and I know that you sit there every moment that you have trying to tell me that it wasn't my fault, but it was.
Sometimes I think that you'll die here with me if I ever give in to the shadows. I remember when we were kids how reckless you always were, willing to do anything needed to get the job done. Anything...Even kill the people standing in your way. You must have made it look like one hell of an accident because they let you go with nothing more then a slap on the wrist and a scolding like you'd give Cash. No, they probably just thought you were so distraught by how messed up your brother was that they couldn't punish you more. Nice...What kind of revenge do I get Benji? Answer that for me, would you?
It's just moved again, off behind me somewhere so I can't watch it. I remember once where the light caught its eyes in a momentary flash. They were a metallic red, like the color of dried blood, but I try not to think about it too much. I try not to fear it either, thinking that maybe it feeds on fear like animals do. You know they can smell it on you, smell it right before they attack. I know that when this one attacks, it will be the end, and the story will no longer be written.
My eternal blindness, wrought with the whispers of a heart you said you'd never break. I guess we were both born with the gift of words, like water over a thirsty barren land. I wish I could ask you if you could see a brighter day for us, but my lips have been silenced as my ears have been blocked. All I can do is remember the lives I've lived, and now the deaths that I will suffer. Benji, would you die them too?
You always told me that you could see right through me, like you could read my mind. I believed it because I could feel it. We were, maybe still are, twins, two souls that used to be one. Does that make you only half of a man, now that you stand all alone outside looking in? I know the others are more confused then you pretend to be. They had no idea at all, and now this has happened. Did you ever wonder what they would think when you would have to ask them to testify for you? In some sick way, I would have liked to sit in that courtroom just to watch you finally having to face what you did.
Who am I kidding? I'm stuck in a coma because you cut the brake lines in her car. I'm stuck in a coma because you didn't know I was going out to dinner with her that night. I'm stuck in a coma because I was trying to lie to everyone, trying to lie to myself...I wish I still had the voice to say it, scream it to chase the shadows back. After everything...I still love you Benji...
